Is This Midlife?

Your Dad's Got 40 More Turns Left To Take

Hey Bubba,

Last weekend we were on the boat, Michelle (aka mom) held you close as you watched my freshly-turned 40 year old body take buckets of water to the face, finally, defiantly emerging above the lake on my trusty 90s slalom ski.

There was a time when I sliced the lake every morning all summer long. This time I’m two years out and hyped to show you my skills and prove to myself I can still do it. Regardless of the treatment regimen, I can still find that cool dude who your mom calls ‘Swaggy E’. I’ll never forget your eyes when I got back on the boat, you saw a new part of me, it was exciting.

I was struggling with turning 40 since I turned 39.

Becoming your dad and the tumor recurrence really shifted how I experience myself. It felt like time was collapsing and I wouldn’t get to do everything I wanted to do.

Now that I’m here and past the 40 gate I’m trusting that what I get to do in this lifetime has already been and will continue to be just right. It crystalized during our time on the lake. Having the chance for us to celebrate together in one of my favorite places on earth with our family and a bunch of our favorite people was a dream come true.

At the talent show on the night before we skied I shared a song to mark this moment in time. Here it is a few days later, live from the studio with my abstract painting of your mom dancing in the background.

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After the show as everyone left the circle for the evening I poured water on the campfire and Michelle said ‘let this wash away all that needs to be released’.

I chose to believe that water dousing the flame would release the tethers of dis-ease. It would empower my grateful heart as a healthy engine for another 40+ years of sweet, sweet glorious life as an artist and your dad. I also deeply wanted that line of the song to ring true, I wished every one of our souls would never feel alone.

I remember when my parents turned 40.

My dad threw a big party for my mom in our house with a jazz band (singer included!!!) and all their friends. I was in 1st grade, serving hor'dourves in my white button up shirt and red bow tie until it was time to go upstairs to bed. I listened happily to the grownups, their waves of laughter and music as I faded towards sleep. I hope you can also find joy hearing us vibe out in the kitchen as you drift off in your crib.

The day after Nonnie’s party there were all these presents out, a mug saying ‘life’s a bitch, then you turn 40’, a t-shirt with the words ‘over the hill’. I didn’t fully get what it was all about but I could tell it was a big milestone. Were my parents officially old at that point? Am I officially old now?

The significance of stepping into middle age is hard for me to disassociate from becoming your dad.

Before I was a dad I spent a lot of time obsessing over what my magnum opus would be, how I would enshrine my unique ‘Swaggy E’ self in the annals of time.

Now that I’m 40 I feel less precious about the enshrinement thing. My personal ambitions take a different seat at the table. They’re not gone, but they’re evolving. I’ve found myself wanting to hide from the world in our back yard, you playing and laughing with Michelle. Still many days I am compelled to make huge art that spews joyous color wherever it lands.

Always my cup overfloweth as I ride alongside your miraculous living, growing and expanding and your mother’s infinite depth.

I know death plays a leading role in all of this.

Your mom tells me to stop stressing about my professional moves when my only priority right now is to stay alive. Friends and family join me to celebrate this milestone, bringing all the joy they can, a tinge of sadness always there. Questions arise about the chemo, how it’s going, what’s the health update, when is my next scan…

Next week I’ll get an MRI and see if the treatment has been working. It’ll also be my 6th month of chemo which will hopefully be my last month.

We’re making plans to travel out of the country, to take more classes and learn new things. We’re making art and you’re making messes and shouting new words in public with every passing day.

I like being this guy.

I’m excited to step into my 40s. Feeling this balance, choosing this love. I love that we got to celebrate life as the seasons shifted in New England. I know there’s new obstacles ahead and I’m happy that you’re on our team as we move through them. It feels good to look on this moment of turning with a smile.

May the loving heat of that campfire and the crackling embers on the end-of-summer winds carry our souls towards more life together.

I love you, you’re the best boy,

dad(e)